let them be little

Something about being pregnant just makes me not feel like blogging...
I think it's called extreme laziness.

But, there are too many things happening too fast that I can't let slip away.

Like my little girl that seems to be growing up into a big girl right before my eyes.  It is happening and I can't even believe it.  She is growing up and in a few months will be going to school at the elementary... wih other big kids, and just thinking of that makes my eyes tear up.

So for now, let's focus on the little girl I want her to continue to be.

She was awesome in her preschool cowboy program.  This was the darndest cutest thing and I couldn't believe how well behaved these children were.  So polite and respectful to their sweet teachers.  Every song was so sweet, and they said funny little jokes in between... like these.....

"Hey little partner, how do ya spell horse?"
"H.O.R.S."
"But what's at the end?"
"A Tail!"

Taryn's part was spelling horse and saying a tail... she was so cute!  She even filled in for a girl who was sick and did her knock knock joke....

"knock knock"
"who's there"  (Taryn)
"butch, jimmy, and joe"
"butch, jimmy and joe who?   (Taryn)
"butch your arms around me, jimmy a little kiss, and let's joe home."

She was such a darling little cowgirl, and was so excited to show us around Miss Palmers preschool class. 

And not only does she have one preschool class... nope, she has two amazing preschool classes. She's a bit more biased to Miss Denise. Maybe because she's known her longer. She did start preschool there two years ago, and has loved her evr since.  She even cried about missing her when she started school in Reno.

So to have Miss Denise welcome her back with loving open arms was like a dream come true.

Oh how we love her so!

This past Friday they celebrated her birthay at school.  She was in heaven having this special day.  We colored her birthday poster and made these yummy treats to take, then picked out her favorite story to have me read to her class. 

This little boy gave her his own special present. 

A long cardboard tag he colored birthday cakes on one side, and hearts on the other. 

Topher is his name, and he said Taryn is his very best friend in the whole wide world... then he made sure to remind me to take a lot of pictures of him and Taryn together. 

Another sweet boy who she's buddies with gave her a cinderella play camera.  Not sure if his mom knew he swiped it, but Taryn was thrilled and felt like the belle of the ball recieving all these gifts.

All the kids took turns saying what they loved about Taryn, and she wore a special birthday crown which Miss Denise had written all sorts of special things about Taryn on.

She was glowing.

Next up, her dance recital.  She loooooooves dance. 

Loves her teacher, loves the outfits, loves everything about it. 

She told me the other day that when she grows up and is a mommy she wants to be like Miss Natalie (which she really says Miss Matalie) and be a real ballerina.

She couldn't handle waiting around all morning for her recital.  It didn't start until 11:30, and she kept saying, "Hurry up Mom!  We are going to be late!!"

She got a little stage fright in the beginning, but once she realized what was going on, she followed along and danced her heart out. 

I leaned over to Robbie and said, we are going to have a lot of dance recitals.  No football practices to put on our calendar here.

Have I mentioned how much I love our new neighborhood.  It is almost too good to be true. 

We have THE BEST neighbors and there are a ton of happy go lucky kids on our street. 

Including a sweet little one named Charlotte, who happens to live right across the street from us.

She and Taryn are like a match made in heaven.  They play almost every single day and could go for hours.  Lately they have been playing outdoors with all sorts of polly pockets and barbies that are "swimming at the pool" in a big green bowl full of water.  I full on took a nap while they stayed entertained with this make believe world.

The neighbors to our east are building a treehouse, a full on magical treehouse!  And they have the cutest little boy who is in kindergarten and I'm already seeing the future as the flirty love affairs begin between all these girls and his little boy charm.  Plus he has a little sister who is a few months older than Tenley, and Charlotte has a little brother who is Tenley's age as well. 

It's perfect in every way... now I just have to make sure no one gets the idea of moving away.  Ever.

I love that we have all these buddies right here nearby. It brings me back to my own childhood days.

There isn't enough money in the world to buy that kind of friendship and the memories that come along with it. 

Charlotte and Taryn giggling over milk mustaches and eating grilled cheese sandwiches.

So you see... this little girl of mine is growing up, and in a blink of an eye she'll already be living her dream as a mommy ballerina. 

But for today, you are little, and I like it that way.

a very special birthday

I took a break.
A break from worrying, a break from thinking anything hospital related, a break from the word cancer, and a break from blogging.

It's strange to explain the feeling of being "done."  That first week was really hard for me.  The immediate fear of the dreaded word relapse sets in, epsecially when so many of our other cancer fighting friends have had it happen to them recently. 

So for my sanity and anxiety...
I needed a break.

Now that a month has passed since we waved goodbye to our room in ICS, I feel like we are finding our normal once again.

So many things I want to write about.  To tell you all...
Moving into our new house
Robbie losing his job, which has been a huge blessing
My ever growing belly and the two babes that fill it
The special second birthday of a very special girl
The love note that came home in Taryn's backpack from the boy she talks about often
The peachy fuzz that is coming in soft and blonde on Tenley's little head.
The trip we had to St. George and the crazy weather that came with it.
Our Easter... the first holiday I was back to being the Mom I love to be, doing it all the way I love to do.
 
Let's start with Tenley turning the ripe age of two.

I had been looking forward to this day for quite some time.    After learning Tenley would only need 4 rounds of chemotherapy, I figured out the time frame in my mind that we could be done right around her birthday, March 22nd.  Keeping that as an end date in mind made it somewhat easier.    Knowing we could celebrate so much once it was here.

As much as I wanted to make this party over the top, I have come to learn that the best part of celebrating is having those you love surround you.  So when panic set in the day of the party because I didn't have everything planned out and ready the way I had envisioned it, I had to remind myself that those things didn't matter.  Tenley was here and healthy and happy.  That is what we were celebrating.

We went with the Tangled theme.  That was her favorite movie for quite some time... she still loves it and after watching it over and over and over again in the hospital, we all have the show memorized.  I have to say the lantern song will always have a special meaning to Tenley and I.  At last we are seeing the light and the foggy days have lifted :)

This new place of ours has me so excited for get togethers.  We have a fun covered deck right off of our kitchen and a huge backyard and cement patio for the kids to play with bikes, scooters, chalk, or run around naked if they wanted to.  It's all there... fenced in and ready to have memories made!  This party was the perfect test for it all.  I'm so bummed I didn't take more pictures of everything.  I hung paper lanterns all around the deck from sparkly starry tinsel.  Robbie and Amy draped colorful crepe paper that ran above our heads.  And the food table was ready for feasting with the first BBQing of the season to take place.  Balloons were out, music was playing, banners were hung, oh and of course we had every repunzel doll and trinket set out as decor.

It was perfect, and having this sweet girl of ours home and running around with the other kids was priceless.

I'm amazed with how much she really has grown over these past few months. 
She is still the crack up at our house, always finding ways to make us laugh and keeping us entertained.

Some of her favorite things right now:
Taryn.  She loves her big sister.
Snuggling.  She'll cuddle into you and rest her head in the crook of your neck and say, "oooooooh."
Eating.  Yup, even through all the ups and downs of chemo, her appetite is here to stay.
Singing.  Her favorite song is called shoes.  She sings the word shoes over and over again.
Shoes.  Maybe this is why she sings about them!  Yep, this girl is mine, she looooooves shoes!
Justin Biebers song "Baby."  She loves singing baby baby baby in the car.
Playing outside.  She is always wanting to go out in the backyard and says, "side!" and wants to do everything independently once she's out there.
Licking her lips.  Well, more like just sticking her toungue out from side to side.  She does it whenever she is busy, or happy, or just being silly.
Making messes.  We have a play room in our new place, and when Tenley is playing in there... you can count on a huge mess being made.
Sleeping in a big girl bed.  The girls have a bunk bed and just this week we started having Tenley sleep on the bottom bunk.  So far we've only had one night of late night jibber jabbering (all started by Tenley being naughty and getting out of bed while Taryn strictly told her over and over again... No Tenley!  GO TO SLEEP!)
Being the center of attention.  This is something we will have to work on.  Two babies coming home and staying is really going to throw her off guard.

Her favorite words are...
Scuse You! (excuse you)
Bless you
Ewwwwe!
Shoes
Mama
Dada
Nama (grandma)
Taya (Taryn)
Cece (Lexi)
Meemee (Amy)
Cesa (Lisa)
Whoaaaa
Baby
Side (outside)
NO!
She nods her head and makes her eyes huge for Yes.
and her famous.... What's that?!

I am so grateful for this girl and all that she has taught me over these past two years.  I absolutely love her personality and the way she makes me laugh every day.  Seeing that personality rise again makes me sad to think it had been lost and buried for a period of time.  I didn't even realize it had so much at the time, but once it came back... It made sense looking back in the weeks cancer was a part of her body.  I never want to lose that personality or any part of her to that disease again. 

Enjoy being two my little one.  You deserve happy days filled with love and giggles and all that a two year old desires.   

We finished the race!!

We finally did it!  Tenley FINALLY made it to the finish line!  I am so proud of her.  I am so unbelievably grateful for how smoothly this last round went for us.  Our very first night (Valentines day) starting this last round was the worst.  Tenley had a high fever, and I was so worried that we would be in for a very hard and long road.  Robbie had just left for Reno the day before, and I had forgotten to have him give her a priesthood blessing.  Thankfully our good friend, Doug Johnson, came to the rescue with his newly returned missionary son Austin.

They performed such an amazing blessing to my sweet girl.  It filled me with hope and peace.  He blessed Tenley with strength to endure this last treatment and that the previous problems she had faced in the past would not affect her.  He blessed her to live a long full life, and to grow and thrive.  He blessed her with so many wonderful powerful things... I know they are only capable through the Lord's will.

I know that blessing played a huge part in this last treatment.  The doctor had warned me that this would be very hard on Tenley, and she would most likely develop mouth sores, loose her appetite, become nauseous, and go through all the other awful things chemotherapy does to your body.

This was the one round Tenley never once needed any help with her nutrition.  She was such a good eater, and even on the days she wasn't up for much... she still ate enough to keep the docs pleased.  The only thing she didn't care for was drinking any fluids, besides her bottle before naps and bed time.  It was so funny... she never wanted to take a sip of anything!  Which wasn't a huge deal, they just had to run an IV with extra fluid at night and sometimes during the day.... but for the most part she was as free bird in that big room.  Running around, pushing her babies in the stroller, and climbing onto the couch to look out the window.

Man... I am SO glad we are out now!  I wonder how many hours in total I really spent in ICS.

There is no way I could have done all of this on my own.  With Robbie not being able to be here full time, I had to have some back up help.  Back up is not the right wording... the people who saved me gave up so much of their time and we became our own ICS cancer family.  I owe so much to them, and will never be able to thank them appropriately.

The people I will always be grateful to...
Mary Cox
Lisa Healey
Brett Healey
Amy Cox
Connor Johnson
Margo Wilson
Carrie Ross
Brooke Brady
Sydney Lindsley
Annie Lindsley
Nicole Davis Lindsley
Janice Sansom
Sara Bateman
Sara Christensen
Hannah Christensen
Becky Brown
Sandi Rice
Katie Pierce
Becky Erickson
Laura Miller
Brooke Storheim
Rhonda Fullmer
Candi Merrell
Jill Holt
Marylynn Olsen
Kris Kimball
Jeanette Soffe

Whether it was 2 hours or 100 hours, each and every one of you took the time to stay with my little Tenley. (and if I forgot anyone... please let me know!  I want to remember who helped forever!)

There are so many others that helped with Taryn, sent us meals, took care of Robbie, watched our dog, sent us money, took care of our payments, and kept us in their prayers daily.
I wish I could personally thank each and every one of you.

Now onto the celebration of our very last day!  I didn't even know it was going to happen this quick!  Sara Christensen was at the hospital Wednesday morning taking over after Robbie spent the night.  He came home and said, "the nurse (Emily) said she thinks today would be a great day to send Tenley home!"  Her ANC was at 200, and her other counts were rising.  Sure enough the doctors took her advice and I got a call from Sara saying... they said she can be discharged!

I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling and crying all at the same time.  The day had finally come... we were DONE!  Robbie and I celebrated right then and there by eating some delicious cheesecake we got the day before at Cheesecake Factory.  After getting my mom's house spick and span, then getting myself ready, and getting a cookie bouquet for the nurses and doctors, we made our way up to Primary's.

On that drive I made a mental note to look outside at the mountains.  They looked fresh and ready for spring, the sun was shining brightly and the sky was a bright blue.
I remember distinctly the day we were told to go straight back to Primary's to be admitted for what could possibly be leukemia.  Fall was all around us.  The mountains were covered in autumn colors.  As tears rushed down my cheeks, I had a very strong feeling that this drive would become a very routine everyday drive.
Now we were finally ending that routine.  It was such a relief.

I had sent texts out to our ICS family that Tenley was ready to come home and we would be having her ring the bell at 3pm.  I am so glad so many of them made it there to see.  I think the nurses and techs were shocked to see such a crowd... but they knew we had all been in this together. (and I think they want to hire my mom to start a scheduling program up there)

To some, this bell might seem a bit silly, but to me it meant the world.  I had heard it a hand full of times as I'd sit in our room holding Tenley, rocking.  This bell was a sound of accomplishment, of happiness, of gratitude, and to me it was the sound of life.  I have imagined this day for so long now.  I couldn't even make it through the "happy last chemo" song without crying.  I'm not one to cry a whole lot in front of a crowd, but this time was different.  This crowd was full of people who loved and cared for Tenley, including the nurses and techs.  

crying and squeezing this girl as everyone sang to her.

ringing that bell!!!

Even Taryn got a turn

That is one proud sister.

the ones I will forever be grateful for

and we couldn't leave without having some cake!

We do all love you Tenley!!!

You made it!

day by day play

So far this week proved to be a good one!  Tenley has been doing great.  She is playing, eating a ton, and running all around just living life best she knows how in her hospital room.  I am always in awe with how happy she can be stuck there.  
Here are some pictures to prove it... (my camera is somewhere hiding, so I've had to resort to using my phone.)

This is how we stay busy day after day...

coloring and playing with play dough

meeting and playing with the pet therapy doggies!

She loved this one.  Her name was Mary and she was so sweet.

Tenley wanted to do everything she was doing.

We watch people walk back and forth from the parking garage... 

and watch for our own friends and family!

Then we color some more.  Even if it's on the couch.  I don't even care!! (plus it comes right off) 

This is what she looooves to do.  Especially when she is free from the IV tower.  

Oh, and this smart preschooler of mine had her very first report!  They are learning all about famous American's who have changed our country.  She did hers on Clara Barton.  I thought it was fitting since we are now so familiar with the medical world.  She loved getting dressed up and made sure everyone knew who she was.

She also has been telling me all about the man with the white fluffy hair.  That he cut down a cherry tree and couldn't tell a lie.
Then there's the man with the black beard who is on all of our penny's and was a really good man.

You should hear her recite the pledge of allegiance.  Cutest thing ever.






Tenley's counts still haven't dropped all the way down.  They have to hit zero and then make their way back up slowly before we get to say peace out f.o.r.e.v.e.r!  I was so shocked to learn her ANC was at 7700 when we started this round!  That is like a totally normal happy ANC!  I will take that and run with it any day!

Last night was one of those nights when I had to repeat over and over... we can do this, we are almost out of here, I can handle this for a couple more weeks.
The nurse has to check Tenley's vitals every 4 hours.  Even during the night.  Tenley is usually pretty good about sleeping through them, but at 4 am it seems like she thinks it's a wake up call.

This morning was no different.
I tried to ignore her and pretend to be asleep hoping she would lay back down, but finally around 5:30 I got her out of the crib and we rocked for awhile.  She kept pointing to the TV and I'd say softly, "no."  Which then led to a major cry fest.  At 7 am she was snoring and after I tried transitioning her to the crib with no luck, we turned on the TV.

ugh.

By the time 9:00 came and a wonderful friend of ours (Sandi Rice) came to take over... I was feeling so frustrated by this whiny child of mine.  She was so overly tired and crying about anything and everything.  That's what ya get when you wake up at 4!  Thankfully she didn't cry for long after I left, and Sandi was happy to rock and love her.

Then there is my 4 year old.  She had a rough night of her own.  Let's just say there was a major tantrum going on in the middle of the night.  It involved kicking and scratching my poor sister Amy.
Eyeyeyeyeyeye.

So, again I will repeat... We can do this!  We are almost done!  We can handle it for a few more weeks!

Then it will be on to a getaway here.
and here.
Yes HERE!
I can't wait to go HERE!

Watching the videos makes me cry just knowing we will have made it through!  I think I'll cry with every magical moment.


Then it will be Spring and Summer and Babies!  Oh my!!!  

when love is real

After spending the week reading the daily love entries on one of my favorite blogs, I felt inspired.

Inspired to describe what I know as true love.

I met Robbie one week after my 18th birthday.  It wasn't long until I found my thoughts swirling and whirling as I could only think of him.  We spent every day together.  We talked on the phone constantly, we sang cheesy love songs to one another, and every night as we said our goodbyes... it took over an hour to really leave each others side.

I knew I wanted to spend my forever with him, no questions asked.

But I never knew how much life we would really experience before ever hitting our ten year mark.

Love is not easy.  It is always a work in progress.... but when it is real, it is always worth working for.

I was married young.  Very very young, and I would not ever change that.  Sometimes I wonder what experiences I may have had, had I not been married right away.  Then I realize how blessed I am to have such a real relationship that has grown and aged over the years.  I could not have made it through a lot of things without Robbie there beside me.  He has a way with putting things into perspective.  He has learned how to listen to me, letting me say all that I need to.
That is a skill that takes a lot of work....

Cancer brings on more stress than you can ever imagine.  Try dealing with that stress with your spouse 500 miles away.  It was beginning to tear us down.  I wanted things, and he wanted things.  We were not on the same page.  It was creating this horrible barrier and everyone around us felt it.

Thankfully we have grown... a lot... and those listening skills needed to be used in full force.  We spent a day collaborating, communicating, and compromising.  Everything was put out on the table, and ever since then, we have a new understanding for one another.  I have grown to love this man more than I thought I could.

Even tough our life isn't glitzy or glamorous, or even what we had hoped for and imagined... we have each other forever.  I have learned that that is what is most important.  We are a team.  I know he loves our children more than himself.  I worried about telling him the news of me being pregnant.  Oh how I was wrong with what I had imagined his reaction to be.  All I could think of was how much more stress this would put on our lives, and he... he couldn't stop smiling.

No matter the obstacles we face -and believe me, there have been many- I am confident we will see them through.  Continuing to grow together as one.  Know one knows me better.  I hope he knows how much I truly love him...
for always and forever.