Monday, December 5, 2011

Seeing the light

We are in remission!

Yup, REMISSION!  I never knew that word could bring me such joy....

Yesterday we "checked in" to ICS ready to start round two.  They really need like a concierge and some sort of baggage claim area... at least for us.
We had wagon after wagon loaded up with so much stuff.  Most of it we had never even unpacked from the back of my mom's car.  I figure we might as well make this room feel like home since we will be contained there for the next few weeks.

As we were unpacking and adding our glitz to the bare walls, one of the many docs came in to give us a run down of our plan for this round.  After talking for a few minutes she said, "oh and I have some good news for ya!  Tenley is in complete remission!  Everything came back clear and there were no signs of any cancer!"

I couldn't believe the news!  I wasn't expecting to hear about the bone marrow results until later this week.  I didn't even know how to react... this means her body accepted the chemo and she is less likely to relapse.  To me, this determined everything.  From an outward appearance, I knew she was doing well and was obviously feeling great, but I was so worried about the clockwork inside and what was really happening to her body.

Now I know.

It is hard for me not to just expect the worst... and to assume this is just my course in life and the scary hard road is what I have to go down.  It's been engraved into my mind ever since experiencing the loss of my Dad and how much bad news we received day by day.

Even through the many blessings and miracles, Satan still finds ways to drown our spirits and tries to make our worst nightmares come to life.  And they will if we let him.

Not today.  I was not going to let those thoughts overtake me.  This time I am on the winning side, and I have full confidence that Tenley will continue to stay in remission and we will make it through these undertows that keep wanting to pull us down.

Last night after I got Tenley to sleep (at 10:30!!) I laid down, but felt so much emotion surging through me.  I cried with an overwhelming gratitude to Heavenly Father thanking Him for answering my prayers and the many prayers of others.  I felt astonished seeing them answered right before my eyes.

I cried because I read this and it made me miss Robbie more than ever.  I wanted him to be here to hug me and share this exciting moment... knowing our baby was thriving and fighting, giving her all to conquer this demon.
I cried because we were starting the chemo process all over again.  We had built her up, brought her back to herself....only to bring her back down.
I cried because I wanted all the hard parts to be in the past and to leave them there... I don't want them to resurface.

This time will be different though.  This time I will have the reassurance that after the storm we will see the sunshine again.  For this is just a short season and one that I am grateful for.  Without it I would not feel His love so strong and pure.  His spirit so close, at times I feel as if I am in Heaven.

I know I am being molded into the daughter He wants me to be... and one day I will tell Tenley the story of how she shaped me into the mother I could only dream of becoming.


Artfulife said...

This is the happiest news ever! Hugs to you all :)

Elise said...

your family's journey is expressed so beautifully here. wonderful to have your prayers answered!

carolynnjoy said...

Just crying...when thinking of little Tenley, I often forget that you have been with out your hubs and he without you. To be you or him I am sure has been full of difficult moments! We are so excited to hear of Tenley's great improvements and can't wait until you are all able to return to your home and be all together as a family!

Piano Mom said...

This post is beautiful! You say it just how it felt for me. Cancer was such a hard thing, but I never felt such love, peace, joy and gratitude from my Heavenly Father as when Erin was fighting AML. Seriously, many quiet nights in ICS were so spiritual and our hospital room had the most beautiful spirit in it because Heavenly Father was really pouring out the blessings, and I'm sure there were many of our angel family members helping us. I am so grateful you are seeing and FEELING this! It is available to everyone suffering, but our hearts have to be open to feel it.

I am sorry you have to feel the darkness of cancer, but the light FAR OUTWEIGHS those darkest times.

I am SO thankful Tenley is in remission. It is what we all pray for.

Lindsay said...

Beautiful words Shauna. So happy for your little Tenley and your entire family.. what a blessing. I so appreciated your words at the end, that through hard things, we become the person/mother/wife/daughter etc. that he knows we can be. Continue to keep Tenley in our prayers.

Allison and Josh said...

Best news ever!! EVER! So happy for you guys!

Carrie said...

Beautiful Shawna! I just love reading your blog, I always feel like it is more of a conversation between us than me reading. I am so happy for Tenley and for you and Robbie. You have been through so much, and with this trial you have been blessed so much! I just love you guys like CRAZY and I'm so lucky to be your SIL!