Starting over with faith

And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.

Alma 32:21

So here we are again. Facing a mountain that seems impossible to climb. The ache in my heart has reappeared and I am constantly forcing it away with faith and prayer.

Oh my sweet baby girl... so many emotions are flooding through me. I cannot stop feeling an abundance of gratitude for being here, at home, with our family and friends and all who are familiar to us. What a blessing. Actually a miracle. I know without a doubt Robbie's grandma made sure her leaving this earth would bring us here for this time and purpose. I am ever so grateful to her.

Little miss Tenley started off the week on a whiny note. Sunday night (October 16th) she hardly slept a wink. I blamed it on teething. There was no fever, no sign of anything really... just a hard nights sleep. Of course the next day was full of whines and whimpers. I assumed it would be that way with the lack of sleep the night before. All she wanted was for me to hold her.... but in between whining and holding, I was trying to pack for our trip to Utah.

Tuesday morning, packed up the car and had everything ready for our flight. I saved waking Tenley up for last, and hurriedly got her dressed and packed into her car seat. We made it to the airport and caught our flight. Soon after making it to my Mom's house, I put Tenley down for a nap. She slept really well, and when she woke up it was time to get ready for the viewing.

All evening she wanted me to hold her. Every time I tried to set her down with the other kids she cried and reached her arms up at me. I thought maybe her shoes were too tight and that's what was bugging her.

Wednesday morning Robbie, Taryn, and I headed out early for the funeral. My sister Lisa came to watch Tenley for the day. We had kind of joked the night before saying Tenley had a broken leg, and as I texted her a couple hours later asking, "how is Tenley's broken leg?" She replied by saying, "no really... something is seriously wrong." I felt nervous and wondered what was really going on. As the day went on I kept getting texts from Lisa who was giving Tenley an in depth exam... She won't put any pressure on it... She doesn't really react when I squeeze her leg and foot...look, she's just sitting here and won't move...Yep, it's definitely her right leg.

As we made our way home in the late afternoon I met my Mom and my sister Amy at Instacare. My mom insisted she be checked out. I was glad she did... I needed peace of mind. As the doctor examined her his first concern was a sceptic hip. After making some calls to Primary's, he leaned more to the idea of her most recent virus settling into her hip joints. He told us to give her Motrin every 4 hours and then have her checked again in a day or two.

The Motrin helped. A lot. She slept through the night Wednesday and Thursday and was walking around acting like her normal self. I thought we were in the clear and all was well. Even though I had made an appointment to see our regular pediatrician Friday morning, I forgot because Tenley seemed fine and we were busy doing Utah fall things....

Saturday we stayed busy too... running errands to Target, getting food for Robbie's birthday dinner, and going to the zoo. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She still seemed upset if I tried putting her down, so there was not much walking. I knew she should still be checked out one more time to be certain, so we called our pediatrican who luckily lives nearby and took Tenley to his house. Overall she looked alright. He had her walk from my mom to me and checked her legs. He felt the same way as the Instacare doc. Just that lingering virus bothering her joints. Then he said he wasn't concerned about it, and by next week she should be fine.

Saturday night we were back to the all nighter. Tenley was a wreck, and this time she would not straighten out her legs. She just wanted to be held close and tight... and whimpered at any movement. I knew something was really wrong and was more confused than ever. That morning we tried the Motrin, but nothing helped. I called our peditrician and told him what was going on and asked his advice if we take our flight home that left that night at 7 or stay and see what this could possibly be while we were near family and friends. He decided to send us to Primary's for an ultrasound of Tenleys hips, as well as some blood work.

The ultrasound showed some fluid in her right hip, but the blood tests were the main concern. Everything came back low. Abnormally low. Low white blood cells, red blood cells, platelets, all of it. The only thing that was high were her lymphocytes. The pediatrician called me and after trying to break the news to me softly, he said he was worried it could quite possibly be leukemia.

leukemia....

I fell to the ground as I heard that word. Literally fell and couldn't breathe. How was this possible? My family was getting ready for Robbie's birthday feast and I came sobbing in from outside with this heartbreaking news. We all cried. Cried the way we did two years ago. My fresh scars had been torn open.

So here we are... after going into the ER, getting more blood drawn, more xrays, getting admitted, more doctors, more tests, more questions, more heartache.

Yet, I feel the peace and reassurance that all will be ok. Tenley will be fine. These words came from angels. Tenley is my angel. We were so desperate for a miracle two years ago, prayed for one fervently... as my Dad's life on earth came to an end, my new little girl's was just beginning. She knows my Dad in ways we do not. I made him promise me as we said our goodbye's that final night, that this baby of mine would be healthy and strong.

I know that promise will not fail. I have such stronger faith through the trial of losing my Dad. The Lord does give us miracles.... and now is the time for ours.