Monday, October 24, 2011

Starting over with faith

And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.
Alma 32:21

So here we are again. Facing a mountain that seems impossible to climb. The ache in my heart has reappeared and I am constantly forcing it away with faith and prayer.

Oh my sweet baby girl... so many emotions are flooding through me. I cannot stop feeling an abundance of gratitude for being here, at home, with our family and friends and all who are familiar to us. What a blessing. Actually a miracle. I know without a doubt Robbie's grandma made sure her leaving this earth would bring us here for this time and purpose. I am ever so grateful to her.

Little miss Tenley started off the week on a whiny note. Sunday night (October 16th) she hardly slept a wink. I blamed it on teething. There was no fever, no sign of anything really... just a hard nights sleep. Of course the next day was full of whines and whimpers. I assumed it would be that way with the lack of sleep the night before. All she wanted was for me to hold her.... but in between whining and holding, I was trying to pack for our trip to Utah.

Tuesday morning, packed up the car and had everything ready for our flight. I saved waking Tenley up for last, and hurriedly got her dressed and packed into her car seat. We made it to the airport and caught our flight. Soon after making it to my Mom's house, I put Tenley down for a nap. She slept really well, and when she woke up it was time to get ready for the viewing.
All evening she wanted me to hold her. Every time I tried to set her down with the other kids she cried and reached her arms up at me. I thought maybe her shoes were too tight and that's what was bugging her.

Wednesday morning Robbie, Taryn, and I headed out early for the funeral. My sister Lisa came to watch Tenley for the day. We had kind of joked the night before saying Tenley had a broken leg, and as I texted her a couple hours later asking, "how is Tenley's broken leg?" She replied by saying, "no really... something is seriously wrong." I felt nervous and wondered what was really going on. As the day went on I kept getting texts from Lisa who was giving Tenley an in depth exam... She won't put any pressure on it... She doesn't really react when I squeeze her leg and foot...look, she's just sitting here and won't move...Yep, it's definitely her right leg.

As we made our way home in the late afternoon I met my Mom and my sister Amy at Instacare. My mom insisted she be checked out. I was glad she did... I needed peace of mind. As the doctor examined her his first concern was a sceptic hip. After making some calls to Primary's, he leaned more to the idea of her most recent virus settling into her hip joints. He told us to give her Motrin every 4 hours and then have her checked again in a day or two.

The Motrin helped. A lot. She slept through the night Wednesday and Thursday and was walking around acting like her normal self. I thought we were in the clear and all was well. Even though I had made an appointment to see our regular pediatrician Friday morning, I forgot because Tenley seemed fine and we were busy doing Utah fall things....

Saturday we stayed busy too... running errands to Target, getting food for Robbie's birthday dinner, and going to the zoo. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She still seemed upset if I tried putting her down, so there was not much walking. I knew she should still be checked out one more time to be certain, so we called our pediatrican who luckily lives nearby and took Tenley to his house. Overall she looked alright. He had her walk from my mom to me and checked her legs. He felt the same way as the Instacare doc. Just that lingering virus bothering her joints. Then he said he wasn't concerned about it, and by next week she should be fine.

Saturday night we were back to the all nighter. Tenley was a wreck, and this time she would not straighten out her legs. She just wanted to be held close and tight... and whimpered at any movement. I knew something was really wrong and was more confused than ever. That morning we tried the Motrin, but nothing helped. I called our peditrician and told him what was going on and asked his advice if we take our flight home that left that night at 7 or stay and see what this could possibly be while we were near family and friends. He decided to send us to Primary's for an ultrasound of Tenleys hips, as well as some blood work.

The ultrasound showed some fluid in her right hip, but the blood tests were the main concern. Everything came back low. Abnormally low. Low white blood cells, red blood cells, platelets, all of it. The only thing that was high were her lymphocytes. The pediatrician called me and after trying to break the news to me softly, he said he was worried it could quite possibly be leukemia.

leukemia....

I fell to the ground as I heard that word. Literally fell and couldn't breathe. How was this possible? My family was getting ready for Robbie's birthday feast and I came sobbing in from outside with this heartbreaking news. We all cried. Cried the way we did two years ago. My fresh scars had been torn open.

So here we are... after going into the ER, getting more blood drawn, more xrays, getting admitted, more doctors, more tests, more questions, more heartache.

Yet, I feel the peace and reassurance that all will be ok. Tenley will be fine. These words came from angels. Tenley is my angel. We were so desperate for a miracle two years ago, prayed for one fervently... as my Dad's life on earth came to an end, my new little girl's was just beginning. She knows my Dad in ways we do not. I made him promise me as we said our goodbye's that final night, that this baby of mine would be healthy and strong.

I know that promise will not fail. I have such stronger faith through the trial of losing my Dad. The Lord does give us miracles.... and now is the time for ours.


40 comments:

Natalie in Sparks said...

Oh Shawna, I had no idea! Poor little sweet Tenley! Your post made me cry. I will pray for her and let all your friends here know about it so they can pray for her too. Do you need anything? Are you still in Utah? Keep me posted!

Em said...

Shawna,

I am so sorry. A mothers worst nightmare. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.

Jess said...

Oh Shawna, you have me in tears. I am so impressed with the faith you have. I do believe in miracles too and we are all praying for one.

Laura said...

Shawna,

Little Tenley is in our prayers, I believe in miracles too.

Jes said...

Ok, I'm sobbing. My mom got a blessing before her brain surgery that said, "Miracles can and will happen." And it came true. It can come true for you too!! We'll be praying for you like CRAZY.

Allison and Josh said...

Seriously can't stop crying. My heart is just aching for you and your sweet family. I wish it was me instead. You are in my constant thoughts and prayers and I am always here for you. I love you guys. Tenley will get through this. I know it!

Nick and Melanie Munns said...

Your post made me cry. We will be praying for little Tenley. My best friends niece was just diagnosed with leukemia in august, she is 2 and a half. Her mom started a blog to follow her journey. It is togetherfortaleah.blogspot.com.. good luck with everything.

Abe and Lisa said...

Shawna, I love you are your family so much. And you write so well. Lots of prayers and love are coming your way during this difficult time. You are such an example to me with your strength, faith and commitment to our Savior. Tenley is so blessed to be in your home... She is a fighter!

Rachel Hoggan said...

I'm so sorry! We'll be praying for you and Tenley, too.

Cathy said...

Chad and I are thinking of your family. We are praying for comfort and blessings to be poured on Tenley and all of you. Love you guys!

Lindsey said...

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face thinking of you and thinking of my own girls I am so moved by your faith. You are so strong and your little Tenley will thrive off that. I wish you and your family the best in this long battle ahead.

Camaree said...

Are you staying in Utah for her treatment? Primary Children's saved m sister's life. If you have to go through something like this PCMC is the place to be. Hopefully it will be the same miracle for you that it was for us.

Dane and Natalie said...

Thank you for your inspiring words through difficult times. You have uplifted me through your beautiful words. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet family.

Olivia said...

Faith and Prayer gets us though things we thought were not possible. I pray for your family and have faith she will recover and be stronger than ever.

Ali said...

I am also in tears. I feel so strongly of your faith and want you to know that we are praying hard for Tenley. Please let us know how we can help.

The miracles that you wrote of bring comfort and I know there will be many more to come your way during this time.

Jen and Jared said...

Your words brought me to tears Shawna. So beautiful and full of testimony. We love you guys and will be praying for you! If you need us to do anything, we'll be here. Fundraisers, dinners, whatever. I know the Lord is watching over you and your dad is there giving you strength and comfort.

Natalie said...

I love you so much! You are a beautiful writer and your faith and testimony are so strong and beautiful. She is in our prayers we love her! Please let me know if there is anything I can do! I will be up sat through tues and would be happy to take taryn, although I am sure you have plenty of babysitters, just know if you need me i'm there:)

Anonymous said...

We endure for a night and in the dawn of our increased understanding we are able to say, 'Thy will be done'.
Robert D. Hales
Today's trials are tomorrow's testimony!
We LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

Carrie said...

Shawna you amaze me. Your positive attitude and your firm grip on your faith. I love you guys with all of my heart. I know what a blessing it is for all of this to have happened here. I will do whatever I can to help you through this! XOXO!

Emily Young said...

Shawna,

I haven't really talked to you in a while, but came across this and wanted you to know that I am amazed and uplifted by your faith. I know that Tenley will be fine because of your faith, and the prayers of so many people. I wish you the best in this journey, and will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Take Care,

Emily Young Ferguson

Megan said...

I came across your blog through a friend of a friend, and I am so sorry for this news. Tenley is in my thoughts and prayers, and I just know that she can make it through this!!! I'm glad you have family nearby, and I hope she gets through all of this very quickly, so she can resume being a happy and healthy little girl! She is adorable, and I will be checking back for updates on her. Please keep us posted!

Ryan and Tori said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ryan and Tori said...

Oh Shawna, I don't even know what to say. I know we were never real close friends but reading this made me bawl. You are amazing. I can't believe how much faith you have because I know something like this would be a very hard test for me. Please know we're thinking about you and are praying for you, Tenley and your family morning and night.

Daniel and Marian said...

Shawna, I'm in disbelief at your sad news, I am so sorry and it makes me hug my kids a little tighter! Your faith will carry you and we will keep you and your family in our prayers.

Bonnie said...

My heart is with you and your lovely family, Shawna. I know everything is going to be okay. I know it.

Emily said...

Shawna, you are such an inspiring woman and mother. There's nothing like the hard times to bring out the true strength of a person and that is exactly what we are all seeing, an exceptionally strong mother.

I love the faith and sense of peace you are having about this whole ordeal. It's no doubt a sign that Tenley will go through this trial with flying colors. And I'm sure Heavenly Father is watching closely over your family and your sweet girl. You will be in our prayers and thoughts-
all my love,
Emily

Jordan & Brooke Brady said...

I do think nonnie's passing was perfect timing for many reasons but it makes me greatful for this reason especially. I'm so glad you were here to be around us all. You guys are amazing and we love tenley. Things will be ok. We love you and pray for you.

Amanda said...

I am so sorry you are going through this, but you already sound so strong. Are you in SLC now? Do they know if it's ALL or AML? Let me know what you need. Many Prayers, Amanda Flamm Call/Text/ or email at anytime amandaflamm@hotmail.com

Tyler and Dru said...

Shawna, even though I don't know you well I know your sweet mom and Amy and they mean the world to me, thus so do you and your precious Tenley. I'm sick about this news and know that your family must be some of the strongest spirits in the world to be given yet another seemingly impossible trial. I know that a miracle is in store for Tenley! Your dad is anxiously assisting our Heavenly Father in this and he will be with you every step of the way. You will be in our prayers! Much love to you and your family!

Grandma Jan said...

I'm praying for your miracle!! Keep that positive attitude, you guys are so great! We love you tons and want to help however we can! I know that your faith can sustain you!!
Many, many are praying for Tenley!!

Yo' Mama said...

Shawna, you and your family are in our prayers. If there is ANYTHING you need at all or done in Sparks, please don't hesitate. I wish I could take away all your sweet girls pain... and your's too! Only our Savior can, and He will. He will provide a miracle.

Natalie said...

Shawna,
You are an amazing woman. Our prayers are with you, Tenley, and your family. Hold on tight to that strong faith of yours.
Love,
Natalie

carolynnjoy said...

I'm a friendly blogstalker who went to Oly part time back in the day. Our daughter has hand deformity, and while in the womb they couldn't tell what type it was. One type would include the deformity and many other serious health problems.
My Mother, who was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer, sent me a scripture. She thankfully beat the odds and has been cancer free for 3 years and learned a lot about the Atonement during that time. While I did not lose a parent to cancer like you, I know a lot of the feelings seeing a parent suffer like that brings and also stressing over the health of your precious children.
While worrying about my sweet baby, my Mom sent me this scripture she found, and said it was the theme in her prayers and fasts for the health of my baby girl. It is Numbers 12:13, Heal her now oh God, I beseech thee.
While the baby's hand is still deformed, she is a strong, determined, beautiful little 13 month old baby. We named her Elianna which means, God has answered.
These trials are long, scary, hard and sad. Remember the Lord will be with you, and your sweet daughter. Angels will be round about you to lift you up and especially little Tenley. Our prayers will be with you and we hope all the blessings and miracles God has for your family will be clear and apparent as you face this challenge. Plead unto the Lord to heal your baby now, and remember that God does answer our prayers!

Moffat Family said...

We're praying for you and cute Tenley.

Hi, I'm Hannah. said...

Oh Shawna,
What a beautiful, faithful post. We are all praying for little Tenley over here. Laurel said in her prayer this morning "Bless Tenley...she is my girl, to be better and take her medicine."
I'm sure it is beyond comprehensibly hard but you are such a strong mama and are so blessed with so many who love and support you.
Love from us here,
Hannah

Heather and Dave said...

You are so strong and will get through this hard time and lift others along the way. Tenley is a VERY lucky girl to have you as her mama, to cuddle and hold her to make her feel better. Keep up that positive attitude, but make sure you get in a really good cry everyday too - it helps to let it out. I was so sorry to hear of your dads passing a few years ago. Please tell your mom and sisters hi. I love your cute family.

Michelle Gale said...

Shawna, my heart breaks for you. I hope your little girl gets the help she needs. You are an example of faith and courage. I love the perspective that the gospel brings and hope that all will be right. I, too, believe your sweet little girl and family will pull through this. Good luck through all of this!

Tiffany Ann said...

Shawna-I love you and hope the best for you and your sweet family! You have been so strong and such an inspiration of undying faith, I am proud to call you my friend! I pray Tenley will be watched over and safe. Love you all!!! -Tiffany

Erin said...

Shawna , I used to work with you at THE STORE and with your mamma at cogent health , she showed me your blog and i have been silently keeping in touch with you and your family ever sense!! . I am so sorry to hear about your baby girl (i had to break my silence)Breaks my heart that she has to go through this. but she has a fantastic mom and family to back her. she WILL beat this.. i am praying for u and cute little Tenley!! Love Erin battermann

Alexis Kaufusi said...

Shawna! Not sure if you remember me at all. My brother Corbin is good friends with Taylor. Our prayers are with your family right now. We just finished something similar to your situation. Stay strong and don't give up. We love you and your family and are praying for you and Tenley and your family. If you need anything let us know.

Love, Alexis Kaufusi and the Kaufusi Family