Wednesday, February 1, 2012

missing life before

Today I really miss this....

Yes, it is true I mourn this little girl.

I know my Tenley will get her hair back, but some days it really hits me what we are going through.  Whether I see a 2 year old blonde little girl at the store, or think of what a normal day at home with two healthy kids would feel like again... I realize just how not normal this all is.  

After spending hours with Tenley at the hospital, I'll go home and listen to Taryn fill me in on her day, watching her eyes and thinking to myself, "wow she has sooo many eyelashes and such thick eyebrows!"  
I will never forget seeing the first cancer patient out in the hall in ICS.  I couldn't imagine my own child becoming that... and now I've become so used to it.

Until I realize I don't ever want to become used to it.

Tenley is home, and I am ever so grateful for our break from the hospital.  It always takes a few days to re-adjust.  The doctors never give us a heads up about going home.  It's just a... "hey, you want to go home today?... cause we will let ya!"  So there is never much time to prepare physically or mentally.  I'm now in charge of calling the shots.  I am in charge of giving her meds, making sure they are on time.  I'm in charge of watching her temperature.  I'm in charge of keeping her fragile body safe.  

It is a lot to handle, and I know as soon as some time goes by we will get back into the swing of things here at my mom's, but watching my little bald pale baby girl is not normal.  Nor will it ever be.

So... for the next mom who is hit with this heartache.  Know that you are not alone when you cry over the old life you once had.  You are not alone in mourning the carefree child you had before cancer hit.  You too can make it through this difficult time, and it is ok to not always be strong.  
Because one day you will have more strength than you ever could have imagined.  You too will push forward and be a strength to the next mom who is looking for comfort.

But for today... you can miss it all.


Tiffany Ann said...

Shawna-that was so beautifully written-without knowing your strength has made me stronger and a better and more appreciative mom! I feel your bittersweet pain over the loss of the life you once had-Tenley had gorgeous blonde hair and the sweetest smile! I am so proud of how well you are handling this hard time, and I feel so blessed to call you my friend! Tenleys pale bald head is so beautiful in such a different way-she is brave and strong and angelic! You are such an inspiration to so many, and so spiritual it truly makes me realize the things that are important! Someday I know you will look back at this time and hopefully it will seem so short and all is as it was! I am so sorry for the times that are hard and when you are hurting, know that I think about you and Tenley all the time and I pray you both stay courageous and amazing! Thanks for this perfect post, I read it especially when I needed it the very most! -Tiffany

Ryan and Tori said...

...brought tears to my eyes. Really REALLY makes me appreciate the little things, (like doing my girls hair) Thank You.