This weekend had many ups and downs. Tenley finished her chemo treatments for round one on Saturday morning.
Ten days worth... we made it through with flying colors - and floating lights from Tangled!
Robbie also came back Friday afternoon, and that brought a lot of happy smiles from all his girls. My heart calms and my shoulders start to relax as soon as I see him. I know we have so much support from our own family members and many friends... but we are Mommy and Daddy. No one can replace that. To have him here with us makes life feel somewhat complete.
This weekend made me really miss our old life. The usual, pretty boring, day to day stay at home life. I miss waking up with both my girls and watching Disney Junior. I miss putting Tenley in her high chair and dumping cereal on her tray to keep her occupied for a few minutes. I miss figuring out what we should do that day to keep busy. I miss planning dinner...
Dinner for the 4 of us.
Now it rarely is just the 4 of us. Robbie and I are coming or going from the hospital, Taryn is playing with friends and neighbors (which she absolutely loves.) The hours quickly pass day by day, and before you know it another week has passed. Time feels strange. Days and nights no longer have a routine. It's almost like having a newborn again, just living hour by hour whether it's am or pm.
Yesterday was a teary day for me. Tenley was showing the normal expected signs that come along with this process. She had a fever, was very tired, didn't want to eat much, and had the sick eyes all mothers recognize.
Robbie spent the night Friday and Saturday, and he too noticed this change. We went out to dinner just the two of us Saturday night and it was nice to spend quality time with one another. Of course we talked about Tenley most of the night, but we were able to have a few laughs talking about Taryn and her silly personality, checking out the crowd around us, and staring at each other like, what the heck... is this real life?
I love him more than he knows.
By Sunday afternoon we were getting ready to say our "see ya later's." Before we headed back to the hospital, we decided to grab some lunch with Taryn. Just the three of us went to Wendy's. This cute older couple told me how darling my little girl was and it immediately made me tear up. Normally it's, "look how cute your girl's are." -Plural- I wanted to tell them how cute my other daughter is too... Then I went to grab a high chair without realizing I didn't need it.
My head was spinning. How can I sit here and eat. It just felt sad and lonely without Tenley there. My family of four was incomplete. I couldn't stop the tears.
We went to the hospital and Taryn played while Tenley sat on my lap and snuggled. Taryn thinks the hospital is pretty awesome. She loves going with the volunteers to the playroom and making crafts. So off she went to play... Robbie said his final goodbyes and his Mom left to take him to the airport.
I sat there with my baby rocking her. We turned down the lights and closed the blinds. As I sat there holding her and singing her primary songs I tried to finger through her hair that was sticky with medicine she had spit out earlier. At that point I felt her hair coming out more than it should.
Not now... not yet.
I'm not ready for this part. But this part is here. Her cute blonde hair is shedding more and more. I can't get myself to give in yet. Last week was so much easier seeing her acting happy... so much happier than she had been for weeks.
Now it is all too real.
I spent the night with her, held her close and prayed to keep this sweet spirit that has been constant in her room. It hasn't left, and it is a sacred one. I know that as these hard days come, Heavenly Father will stay by my side. I know he will bless my family of four and bond us together in a way only made possible through this experience.