Monday, November 7, 2011

Family of Four

This weekend had many ups and downs. Tenley finished her chemo treatments for round one on Saturday morning.

Ten days worth... we made it through with flying colors - and floating lights from Tangled!

Robbie also came back Friday afternoon, and that brought a lot of happy smiles from all his girls. My heart calms and my shoulders start to relax as soon as I see him. I know we have so much support from our own family members and many friends... but we are Mommy and Daddy. No one can replace that. To have him here with us makes life feel somewhat complete.

This weekend made me really miss our old life. The usual, pretty boring, day to day stay at home life. I miss waking up with both my girls and watching Disney Junior. I miss putting Tenley in her high chair and dumping cereal on her tray to keep her occupied for a few minutes. I miss figuring out what we should do that day to keep busy. I miss planning dinner...
Dinner for the 4 of us.

Now it rarely is just the 4 of us. Robbie and I are coming or going from the hospital, Taryn is playing with friends and neighbors (which she absolutely loves.) The hours quickly pass day by day, and before you know it another week has passed. Time feels strange. Days and nights no longer have a routine. It's almost like having a newborn again, just living hour by hour whether it's am or pm.

Yesterday was a teary day for me. Tenley was showing the normal expected signs that come along with this process. She had a fever, was very tired, didn't want to eat much, and had the sick eyes all mothers recognize.
Robbie spent the night Friday and Saturday, and he too noticed this change. We went out to dinner just the two of us Saturday night and it was nice to spend quality time with one another. Of course we talked about Tenley most of the night, but we were able to have a few laughs talking about Taryn and her silly personality, checking out the crowd around us, and staring at each other like, what the heck... is this real life?
I love him more than he knows.

By Sunday afternoon we were getting ready to say our "see ya later's." Before we headed back to the hospital, we decided to grab some lunch with Taryn. Just the three of us went to Wendy's. This cute older couple told me how darling my little girl was and it immediately made me tear up. Normally it's, "look how cute your girl's are." -Plural- I wanted to tell them how cute my other daughter is too... Then I went to grab a high chair without realizing I didn't need it.
My head was spinning. How can I sit here and eat. It just felt sad and lonely without Tenley there. My family of four was incomplete. I couldn't stop the tears.

We went to the hospital and Taryn played while Tenley sat on my lap and snuggled. Taryn thinks the hospital is pretty awesome. She loves going with the volunteers to the playroom and making crafts. So off she went to play... Robbie said his final goodbyes and his Mom left to take him to the airport.

I sat there with my baby rocking her. We turned down the lights and closed the blinds. As I sat there holding her and singing her primary songs I tried to finger through her hair that was sticky with medicine she had spit out earlier. At that point I felt her hair coming out more than it should.
Not now... not yet.
I'm not ready for this part. But this part is here. Her cute blonde hair is shedding more and more. I can't get myself to give in yet. Last week was so much easier seeing her acting happy... so much happier than she had been for weeks.
Now it is all too real.

I spent the night with her, held her close and prayed to keep this sweet spirit that has been constant in her room. It hasn't left, and it is a sacred one. I know that as these hard days come, Heavenly Father will stay by my side. I know he will bless my family of four and bond us together in a way only made possible through this experience.


Trav and Lizzie said...

I frickin' love the way you write. Love.

Anonymous said...

Bless your heart! I don't know you but found your blog through Sadie. I am a mother of four and I just cannot even imagine the hurt you must feel for your little girl. I am praying my heart for you and your little family...I truly believe in miracles and guardian angels. Stay strong. Everything will be fine, I have faith and I can feel yours.

Allison and Josh said...

Shawna, you are absolutely amazing. Xoxo

carolynnjoy said...

Oh, the hair loss is hard.
I have two boys and only one girl. We have had yucky horrible colds and coughs the last 2 weeks. I have thought a lot about your daughter and taken the time to just snuggle all my kids but especially my baby, my little girl. It is always good to have a reminder to just snuggle our little ones. To not worry so much about the house work and such, and just be a Mom.

ericksonslc said...

Your testimony is shared with all of us each time you write a blog post. Thank you for being so open and teaching us and reminding us what is important each day. We love you so much.

Ali said...

You probably have kids lined up around the block to play with Taryn, but I would love to introduce her to Eliza and Henry if she ever has an open afternoon! We could play at my Mom's or Andrew's parents (both in Holladay). Just say the word!

The little things like the high chair at Wendys makes me cry. We are praying for you.

And your girls, both of them, are so special and so beautiful.

Shaundee said...

I just sat here for the last 30 minutes catching up on your posts and crying. Crying happy and sad tears. Heart breaking tears for the situation your cute family is in. And (I guess you could say happy tears)for the way you are able to express yourself and strengthen others through your words. You are a testimony to so many of the atonement and faith. Your words have lifted me up when I should be finding the words to lift you up. Through this horrible trial you are touching the lives of so many. We pray for you and your little Tenley every night. We will continue to pray and keep you all in our hearts. You are so loved...please know that. Love you, Shaundee

Mary said...

I'm praying for the strength that you have at this time Shawna. Oh how I love all four of you. Thank you for spending this time at my home.

KWit said...

We are missing you family of 4 here too. Lexie is cute, but you guys are so much more fun! My eyes are wet as I think of you and the love that is given to us mothers in wanting to protect and save our children from any falls, fears or trials. I just miss you and wish I was there to help. You are on my mind all the time with your sweet Tenley and Taryn. Hugs and prayers :p Kristen

Devrie Pettit said...

Oh the hair, she has the cutest hair. You amaze me. Braylon now remembers Tenley in his prayers, we've reminded him enough.

AmberLou said...

I have probably told you this many times... but I LOVE how you write! It is always so beautiful and thoughtful! You are in my thoughts and prayers! I am so sorry to bug you one more time... but did the hats fit your girls okay? I was hoping it would be thin enough for Tenley to be comfortable in it in the hospital as her sweet blonde hair starts to go... That would be the hardest for me too. I hope they fit and that they brightened your day if only a little! Love you!